Earlier this year, I found myself searching Pinterest, “What if he is a godly guy but you don’t like his personality?” I had turned down guys before, some because of their personalities and some for other reasons. But it had never been like this. This guy was one of the godliest guys I have met. He loved Jesus, he was producing fruit (Galatians 5:22-23), and he was pursuing me. There was just one problem- I couldn’t get past his personality.
What he found funny, I didn’t. The way he flirted annoyed me sometimes. And to be completely honest, at times I was embarrassed to be with him.
Yet, I felt so guilty turning him down because he was a good, godly guy. The kind of guy I was told I should marry. He had the characteristics I was looking for in my future husband.
So I tried to make it work. I gave him a chance. I even prayed that God would help me get around his personality and be able to pursue a relationship with him.
But I just couldn’t. After lots and lots of prayer and talking to friends that I trust, my sister, and my mom, I told this guy I just wanted to be friends.
I did feel guilty, and I felt sorry for him, but I felt so free.
I wanted to write on this topic because it is rarely addressed. We are told to look at the character qualities of a guy and marry a guy that loves Jesus. But what if he is a godly guy but you don’t like his personality? I think there is a place for that.
So today, I have some questions and thoughts I’d like you to go over if you are in a similar situation that I was- feeling guilty for turning down a godly guy because you don’t like his personality.
But first, I highly recommend you read this blog post before you read any further: Is There Such Thing as “The One”?
Just a disclaimer: please pray a lot about this. Being Spirit-led is so much more important than listening to me. But I hope these questions help you if you aren’t sure what to do!
Questions to think and pray through:
What are your motivations?
Let’s start here. What motivates you to get married? I think this is huge in determining if it’s okay to walk away from the guy, or give him a chance.
If you are putting too much emphasis on his looks or certain aspects of his personality, a godly guy may always come up short.
A strong, Christian marriage is not about the guy sweeping you off of your feet and fulfilling your every desire. A godly man will pursue you and love you in a different way than a worldly man will. A better way. You will be on mission together for Jesus. To seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33).
But if this way isn’t appealing to you, I think it’s your heart that needs to change, not his personality.
Is it just lack of common interest?
Let’s say that you do have healthy motivations for getting married. Now we can go a little further. What don’t you like about his personality?
If it’s that you don’t have much in common, I would examine this further.
I think I’ve talked about this some on the blog before, but one of my favorite bloggers, Phylicia Masonheimer, has talked about how she and her husband don’t have many common hobbies. However, they both love Jesus and have the same mission in life. So it works.
If you are thinking of turning down a godly guy because of lack of common interest, I would encourage you to maybe give it some more time. Try out some of his hobbies and invite him to try some of yours. Pursuing Christ together is the most important common interest.
Is your pride in the way?
I mentioned that I was embarrassed to be with this guy at times. I tried to brush this off because I know I can be prideful.
If the guy you are considering isn’t the cutest guy in the world or his personality is just different than your friends, please don’t let your pride get in the way of pursuing a relationship with a godly guy.
It isn’t about what others think, it is about God’s will and your choice.
Is there such thing as too picky?
In short, yes.
If you have high expectations or have a certain image in your mind that you are measuring every guy you meet to, you’re probably being too picky.
It can be good to give a guy that normally isn’t your type a chance. God may use him to grow you.
So please don’t be too picky. What is too picky? Not liking a guy because he doesn’t look a certain way, doesn’t play sports, likes classical music instead of country, etc. Remember, God made us all different and that can be a beautiful thing.
Would you want to spend forever with him?
Remember, you do have to spend forever with this guy. God doesn’t give us an option for divorce because we made the wrong decision.
If this guy’s personality annoys you now, think of how it will be 10 or 20 year from now when you live with him. He may be a godly guy, but would you want to hear those jokes forever?
What the heck do you tell him?
If your heart is in the right place and you have healthy expectations and desires for marriage, please hear this: it is okay to say no to a godly guy when you don’t like his personality. In fact, it could be a good thing. God may have a girl for him that will be able to appreciate his personality in the way he deserves. Don’t feel guilty that it’s not you.
But how do you turn him down or even break up with him? You can’t really tell him his personality gets on your nerves. This was one of the hardest parts for me. I asked people for advice, and ultimately I told this guy that I had been praying a ton about our relationship and I didn’t feel peace about it at all. He didn’t accept that answer without question, and I just told him that I knew God had other plans for us.
If he tells you that God told him you were his future wife, that’s honestly manipulation. God would have told you too if that was true (as long as you are walking in the Spirit). So stand firm. You don’t have to give in to him.
This felt like a tough post to write because there isn’t an easy answer. Ultimately, you have to listen to God. He gave you the Holy Spirit if you are a believer and He gives wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5).
I hope this post helped you out some, though!
In this with you,