All Things Allison Marie

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, but it’s felt a little intimidating.  Everyone has different personalities and needs.  So please use this post as a launching pad to support your friend going through miscarriage, loss, stillbirth etc., but know that you can always ask your friend if what you are wanting to do is helpful if you’re not sure.  Be a student of your friend and observe what seems to give her life and what seems to make her uncomfortable.  Lastly, it’s okay if you do it imperfectly – just showing up means more than you know. And don’t feel like you have to do everything on the list; these are just some ideas and things to keep in mind!

I think the most helpful way to write this post will be to include a list of things to do, and a list of things not to do.  I think that can be just as helpful as what to do.  Let’s get started!

For context: I lost my baby at 19 weeks.  So it was a missed miscarriage and induced stillbirth.  I think most of this applies to both early miscarriage and stillbirth, but for example, your friend may not know the gender of their baby and therefore may not have named them if they lost them earlier. 

Things to do to support your friend:

1. Send texts without expecting a reply.
   • Losing a baby is overwhelming, and sometimes the texts and calls can also be overwhelming. That’s not to say they aren’t appreciated, because they absolutely are, but adding “don’t feel like you have to respond” to the end of a heartfelt text releases expectations. They’ll reply if they have the time and capacity, and if not, don’t take it personal.
2. Write down important dates or put them in your phone.
   • This is huge! If you know the date they lost the baby or the baby’s due date, write it down on your calendar and make sure you text them, drop off a coffee, or do something to let them know that you remember and care. Those days are hard, and it’s so comforting to know you aren’t the only one that remembers.
3. Send gift cards.
   • The church we were at when we lost our son was so kind to collect gift cards (and money) for us. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was cook after giving birth and still grieving, so this was so helpful. We also had friends that sent us a Doordash giftcard and that was just so helpful.
4. Bring over food and drop it off on their porch.
   • If you’d rather cook a homemade meal instead of send a gift card, that is so appreciated too. I would offer to just drop it off on the porch in case they are not up for company. Again, don’t take it personal.
5. Put together a care package.
   • We had another friend put together a gift of snacks, a blanket, a gift card, things for our son, and probably some other things that I am forgetting, and it meant so much. It felt fun and special, but it also just made me feel cared for and loved. Just put together a little basket of their favorite things and drop it off on the porch or send a package in the mail if you’re long distance! Here is a list of books if you’d like to include one in the package.
6. Just sit with them and listen.
   • A few days after we lost our son, a friend came over and we just talked about the birth and other random things, and I remember it was the first time I realized I was going to be okay. Don’t feel like you have to say the perfect thing. Your presence and listening ear mean more than you know.
7. Say their baby’s name often and don’t be afraid to talk about them.
   • I know a lot of people don’t mention the baby because they don’t want to “remind” the parents of the loss, but trust me, you can never remind them. Their baby is always on their mind, and it is so special to get to hear their name or get to talk about them.
8. If you find out you’re pregnant while they’re grieving – send them a text.
   • It can be hard to hear about pregnancy announcements when you’re grieving your baby, especially when it is unexpected news. It can be so helpful to tell your grieving friend in a text if you are pregnant instead of announcing it to them in a large group and catching them off guard. It’s not your responsibility to control their emotions, but it is just a thoughtful and compassionate thing to do.
9. Regularly check up on them.
   • A lot of people stop checking in after the first few weeks. Try to be intentional about checking in with them every week or few weeks. If you know they lost their baby on the 26th, for example, maybe text them every month on the 26th because that’s going to be a hard day for them.
   • Also, holidays like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are so hard when you lose a baby, so I would be very intentional to send them a text on those days. If we believe that life begins at conception, then they are parents whether they have a living baby in their arms or not. So text them “Happy Mother’s Day!” and let them know that you haven’t forgotten them or their baby who made them a mom.
10. Buy gifts with their baby’s name on them.
    • My aunt bought me a necklace with my baby’s name and birthday on it, and it means the world to me. Etsy is such a great place to find sentimental gifts. Ornaments are always a great option!

Things not to do when supporting a friend:

1. Don’t tell them unbiblical cliches to “comfort” them.
   • “God won’t give you more than you can handle.” “God just needed them more than you did.” “Heaven needed another angel.” None of those statements are true or helpful. Before you say something, especially a phrase that is common, stop to think about whether it’s even true or biblical.
2. Don’t say anything that starts with “at least.”
   • “At least you know you can get pregnant.” “At least it was an early loss.” “At least you have other kids.” Again, these are not helpful at all. It discounts the value of this baby that was lost, a baby made in the image of God. If you don’t know what to say, just say that you’re so sorry for the loss of their baby.
3. Don’t expect to visit right away.
   • I think the key word here is “expect.”  Some people want visitors all of the time to help comfort and distract them.  Others, like myself, didn’t want a lot of visitors at first.  Or honestly, it depended on who it was.  Close friends and family that I knew didn’t expect anything from me or weren’t going to stay forever and make silly comments were fine.  Maybe just ask if they’re up for company!
4. Don’t expect them to continue normal life right away.
   • They may not be up for their normal routines or weekly plans, and that’s okay. Give them space and grace. And honestly, they may never be the same person they were before their loss (actually, they probably won’t).
5. Don’t be hurt if they don’t attend a baby-themed party (gender reveal, shower, etc.).
   • These can be so hard to attend after losing a baby, no matter how much they love you. It would be so kind if you texted them and let them know that you completely understand if it’s too difficult to attend. But I personally still wanted to be invited and given the option to go! I actually did attend them because I wanted to support my friends, but everyone is different.
6. If you’re pregnant or have a baby/kids, they’re not the right person to complain to.
   • I had people complain to me about their pregnancy or babies right after I lost my baby, and it was so hard not to walk away crying or make an unkind remark. I would have given anything to still be nauseous. Or I would rather be going through sleepless nights with a newborn instead of waking up at 2am and being reminded of my reality all over again. Nobody is saying pregnancy or the newborn days are easy, but please just don’t complain around somebody who lost a baby or is struggling to get pregnant.
7. Don’t try to fix it or explain why it happened.
   • This piggybacks off of some of the other points, but I just want to reiterate – you cannot fix what happened or even explain why it happened, so don’t try to.
8. Don’t forget the dad and their other kids, if they have others.
   • Dads often get overlooked when it comes to loss, so if you are able, try to include the dad when serving the family. Include his favorite snacks in a care basket, or if you’re close to the family, maybe include the dad in a group chat when you’re texting on special dates. Fun snacks or little toys for their other kids are so appreciated too.

If you’ve lost a baby, what would you add to this post? I’d love to hear in the comments!

In this with you,